How I Went From Resenting to Adoring Marie Kondo

I don’t remember what year it was.  But years ago, one Valentine’s Day, my husband gave me the book, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo.  Go ahead and laugh.  I do, now.  Haha.  (Can you hear my lingering resentment?) At the time I was livid.  Firstly, it was not even close to what I would want as a Valentine’s Day gift.  Yes, let’s face it, as Jim Jeffries says in his standup, Valentine’s Day really is for women.  I don’t think guys get excited about it, except for maybe the night they hope to have after roses and chocolates and an expensive dinner have been purchased.  For me, Valentine’s Day is sweet and romantic and yes, I am the type of girl who wants the roses and expensive dinner and to be romanced.  Getting a copy of The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up is the complete opposite of being romanced.

As a gift, it says “you need help tidying up.  I hope this helps.”   Instead of being loved, I felt judged, like I was not doing a good enough job of keeping our home neat.  And from my husband, it said a lot more than I think he meant it to.

But coming from a family where my grandmother was a hoarder, I was well aware of what can happen when you keep a less than neat home.  She was a refugee and went from growing up rich in Eastern Europe to being penniless in a foreign country where she didn’t speak English.  Because the hoarding started before I came along, my guess is that she not only had a shopping addiction but found self worth in having a lot of stuff and had a problem getting rid of what was no longer needed wanted.  She probably felt like the wealthy little girl she used to be.  But we will return to that in a bit.

When I opened the book by Marie Kondo, the first category she suggests you start with in tidying is your clothing.  I have always loved clothes and shoes and fashion.  I had a lot of clothes.  She suggests you take every piece of clothing that you own and make a big pile from which you sort out things that you love (that spark joy) or things that need to go bye bye (torn, out of fashion, don’t fit, etc.)  The very thought of this brought up so much anxiety that I immediately closed the book and threw it across the room, making the decision that this book was not for me.  And then I went back to resenting my husband for not bringing me roses.

Cut to September 2023.  We just moved back from Oregon to California and before moving, I had gone through a massive purge of not only my closet but everything I owned.  We were moving from a 3 bedroom 2 bath house with garage and storage space to a 2 bed townhouse.  Moving is stressful.  In fact this article from the NY Post says 45% of people find moving more stressful than divorce (which often is followed by moving).

CHECK OUT THIS NY POST ARTICLE HERE

This was the atomic bomb of moves for me.  I got rid of a lot of stuff, but when we got to our new spot, I began to freak out. 

“We have too much stuff.  This is never gonna all fit!”   I was hungry, exhausted and escaped to my friends house for three days to decompress and pull a Scarlett O’Hara: “I can’t think about that right now.  If I do, I’ll go crazy.  I’ll think about that tomorrow.”    One storage locker later and a lot of reconfiguring, we found a way to make it work.

Shortly after that, I started watching the Marie Kondo Netflix special.  She had had one before but my strong resentment to her book prevented me from watching it.  After the atomic bomb move and having superceding desire to create a Zen space in our new home, I timidly watched.

Guess what happened?  I fell in love with her and her ways! Marie Kondo’s peaceful way of speaking and moving, her pure yet contained joy about organizing messes and the truth she speaks about how our environments effect our moods, our relationships and our lives had me doubling down at her blackjack table.  If you have never read the book, do, but the latest Netflix special is a good crash course.

So why do I bring all this up?  Because if you are stressed and anxious, tidying as Marie cutely calls it, is SO helpful, for two reasons:

• Tidying and cleaning your space is a great way to tame anxiety.  It is one of the few things in your life that you can control and so instead of letting it become yet another stress of “I have to take out the trash…do the dishes…organize the garage”, flip the script and change your perspective: you are the queen of your domain and the queen deserves to live in a lovely space.
• Environmental stress is one of six sectors where stress can pop up.  Taking care of your home and making it comfortable and cozy is a way of honoring yourself.  And from a Feng Shui perspective, brings more happiness, peace and prosperity when you feel good in a space

I am walking the walk here.  It is an ongoing process for me, but one that I now enjoy instead of dread and avoid. .  I have successfully taken something that was a stress and turned it into something that is alleviating my stress.  Now that is some magic !

So back to my grandmother.  I know she always mourned the life she lost when she was forced to leave her homeland and dreamed of feeling wealthy again.  Yet she actively participated in creating a chaotic home, filling it with things she didn’t need and never used, to the point at which no one could or wanted to visit her.  So as you go about reflecting on your own home, is it set up for the life you want to live?  Is it clean, organized and inviting?  Or is it messy, dirty and just another thing on your list that you feel badly about?  I invite you to change that.  Want to create your own Zen Den? Check out the check list below to get started!

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Here are my top 15 tips to start curating your own happy home or as I call it, your “Zen Den“.

1. Start by clearing off your surfaces. When countertops, nightstands, and entry tables are crowded, your brain stays on low-level alert. I always tell my clients: visual clutter equals mental clutter. Clear the surfaces first and you’ll feel the shift immediately.
2. Create one soft landing spot in your home. Choose a chair, add a cozy throw, a warm lamp, maybe a small side table for tea. This becomes your reset corner — no scrolling, no multitasking, just breathing space.
3. Swap harsh overhead lighting for warm, gentle light. Bright ceiling lights keep your nervous system slightly activated. Table lamps, soft bulbs, fairy lights, anything you feel called to use that offers warm ambient lighting tells your body it’s safe to relax. My husband bought a kid’s ceiling star projector and now we have one in every room!
4. Choose calming colors whenever you can. Soft neutrals, sage green, pale blue, warm cream — these tones naturally quiet the visual noise. You don’t need a full renovation; even pillows, blankets, or art can shift the energy of a room.
5. Add at least one living plant. There’s something regulating about having a little bit of nature inside. A snake plant, pothos, or peace lily instantly softens a space and subtly lowers stress perception.
6. Use scent intentionally. Your brain processes scent faster than logic. When you diffuse lavender, bergamot, or sandalwood consistently, your body starts to associate that smell with safety and calm. But make sure you use a natural essential oil! All those fake plug in type scent diffusers can be very toxic to you and pets.
7. Create a designated drop zone near your entry. A small tray for keys, a hook for bags, a basket for mail — this eliminates those tiny daily stress spikes that add up over time.
8. Do a simple 10-minute reset before bed. I’m not talking about deep cleaning. Just put things back where they belong, wipe the counter, fluff the pillows. Waking up to order instead of chaos sets the tone for your whole day.
9. Be intentional about sound. Silence isn’t always the calming cue that your body needs. Sometimes soft instrumental music, white noise, or nature sounds can make a space feel more soothing and less activating. Play with this to find your go to soothing sounds.
10. Make your bed every morning. It takes two minutes, but it signals completion and control. Small acts of order create internal steadiness.

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A gentle note here: if you tend to be very tightly wound about your space — or you feel anxious when things aren’t perfectly in place — this might land differently for you. If you’re someone who can’t fully relax knowing there’s even a single spoon in the sink, your nervous system may not need more structure. It may need more softness.

I once briefly lived with someone who struggled with this, and I noticed how that constant need for order didn’t just live in the kitchen — it showed up in other areas of her life too. Our relationship to our homes often mirrors our relationship to control.

If this is you, your version of a Zen Den might not be about tidying more. It might be about allowing a little more playfulness, imperfection, and breathing room. Calm isn’t the same thing as rigid. True regulation includes flexibility.